Over the past month or so I’ve been mulling over my ability to love, and not just to love, but to love unconditionally.
You might think it’s easier to love someone who doesn’t have a load of problems, who doesn’t confront you with anger, who accepts the love, help and advice you offer them.
However, I found that for me, it’s sometimes hardest to love those who are a hundred percent sorted out in themselves, who are strong and independent. And maybe the reason this love scares me, is the knowledge (or the belief) that I might not be needed.
About two weeks ago, two of my girl friends and I came together for an epic Heart Holiday which we called CHECK MEOWT.
How did three ladies from (literally) the farthest ends of the country become friends?
I’ve known S since 2010 when we did our undergrad together, and after she came back from 7 months in France, we sort of just fell into a natural friendship of sharing Jesus and literature and life. S and A were in the same church in Grahamstown where S did her Honours in linguistics. A completed her Masters in psychology. I met A in April 2015 when I flew down to visit S and attend her graduation.
We decided that we should, in a year’s time, meet up for a road trip/visit. Granted, June isn’t April, but here we are!
The reason I’m mentioning CHECK MEOWT is because of the value I place on the love and companionship of these two gems. While on holiday we did a bunch of fun stuff together, but I realised that the three of us were equally comfortable with being in each others company while doing our own thing. It might be an odd thing to appreciate, but halfway through our visit, I received some really bad news twice in one day. I wasn’t able to do anything about the situation because a) I was 570km from home, and b) it really isn’t something that someone other than God can change.
S and A let me be and have my cry, and they comforted me when I needed to be comforted. (More about this to follow).
Prior to CHECK MEOWT (April and May mostly) I asked God to give me friends. This might seem odd, but I recently moved to a city where I literally didn’t know a single soul. It’s good to have friends and family (that you’ve known for years, but who might not be within physical proximity) that support you and pray for you, but it is equally necessary to have someone you can all up and take out for a cup of coffee or to go see a movie with.
Isolating yourself from other people is never a healthy choice.
In a span of 5 months, I have met the most amazing people, found a wonderful church, and sort of just became absorbed into the community.
I have also seen things manifest that I’ve been praying for for months on end.
Here is one such thing.
On Monday I had such a vivid déjà vu. I dream prophetic things (and non prophetic things) almost every night, but sometimes I forget about them.
Anyway, I was standing outside while R (my housemate) was putting her laundry on the line and Myva (her dog) was sitting by my feet and I was talking to them both.
The light and the air and the breeze and the way I was standing and the colours were exactly the way I dreamt it. It was looooong ago. I can’t even remember when exactly. Maybe a year or two ago. (This was long before R and I became friends or decided to share a house). But in that moment it was perfect. And it was just such a confirmation that I am where I need to be right in this moment.
I often get frustrated by the present, because I’m reaching out to the things of the future — stretching forward to what God calls me to. But I know that where I am right now is also where I need to be.
Sometimes I get so frustrated with R (and her dog!!) But the past week has really been great — even better than anything before. I’m finally starting to see the fruit of what I’ve sown in her life. God is sooooooo faithful!
It’s nice to know that God doesn’t give up on the things that frustrate me, even if I do.
To me, this flashback was just a special reminder. And it made me think about all my frustration with my sister. (Refer back to receiving bad news while on holiday). But it’s not beyond God’s control.
The people I love are often hurting. It hurts me to know that there’s nothing I can do to make them hurt less. Sometimes the only thing within my power is to pray for them. Prayer might not change them, but it changes me.
Besides, He knows what we need better than we do.
When tough times swing by, I trust Him to deal with it. He loves unconditionally.